The road + motherhood ≠ happy
Gonna vent for a minute
Let me preface all of this by saying doing stand-up comedy on the road can be fun. And that doing stand-up for a living or even close to a living is a dream come true. But I made that dream when I was 23. And now I’m 38. I’m a mom and a wife and more of a homebody post-covid. And I really love being around my husband and son. I also like sleeping in my own bed in my own cluttered room!
I am having to go on the road for stand-up more because the entertainment industry is “in a weird place” as I am reminded by people who get bi-weekly paychecks all the time. There was a writers and actors strike, there is an impending IATSE (the crews who work on the shows) strike and things are just kind of in this very slow purgatory.
It’s kind of like when the pandemic hit and live shows stopped and people pivoted to do more writing and podcasting. Well now the industry side of the business is suffering so we pivot, AGAIN!
And for me that means going on the road to do stand-up. And not even a lot. Like once or twice a month to try and make a little money, work on some jokes and keep myself mentally and financially afloat until Hollywood figures it out or finally implodes.
Stand-up is very kind to me. I have done it since I was 23 and it has given me more in my life than anything else. I wouldn’t have this life I love (and still complain about) without stand-up. Doing shows pregnant and postpartum was some of the most fun I’ve ever had on stage. I felt truly supported by the LA comedy community and my husband who encouraged me to go back to stand-up sooner rather than later post-baby.
I started doing stand-up once or twice a week, 3 weeks after giving birth. I was fresh from a diaper. But it got me out of the house and feeling like a small sliver of my old self again. As someone who has struggled with mental health since my teen years, it also really helped me process and explore so many changes I was going through and I would go so far as to credit stand-up with helping me avoid the nasty bitch that is postpartum depression. That and seeing The Chicks at the Hollywood Bowl, lexapro and lots of childcare.
Okay so now I’m 2 years postpartum and I gotta go on the road once or twice a month to do my job, tell some jokes, get some rest and try and scrounge some money together and I am BESIDE MYSELF! I am embarrassed to be this dramatic but I was gone for 2.5 days a few weeks ago and I cried at least 9 times.
Now, admittedly, some of this is a carryover from being very homesick as a child. I needed to leave A LOT of sleepovers with a made up stomachache and that childhood homesick issue is deeper and more complex and you better believe Dr. Barb (my therapist) and I are diving into it.
The part that cannot be blamed on childhood PTSD, I would like to blame on the fact that I am just a really incredible mother! JK, I am like pretty good but going out in the world really sucks. And leaving your baby, toddler, dog, cat, comfy couch, slippers, or silk pillow at home is BRUTAL!
Airports? Worst they’ve ever been. I am going to say something and it is going to sound white lady delusional but first class is being treated how coach used to be treated. And coach is being treated how livestock used to be treated. I have not confirmed the second part bc I could not find a cow to go on the record but air travel is bordering on chaotic hell. And now it feels like every third plane has a toilet fall out of it.
Hotels? A lot of them are still pretending they can’t do room service bc of covid. That’s not, nor has it ever been real. AirBnB? Burn it to the ground and the throw the trash I was supposed to take down the street for the owner onto the pile.
And then when you’re a stand-up you’re just alone the whole day until you go onstage and yell at a room of people who have varying degrees of understanding what stand-up is and who you are. And yes, I see friends who live in the towns I’m visiting or go to museums, eat at Diners, Drive-ins and Dives restaurants but sometimes that makes me more sad because my son is missing the fun.
I just miss my baby. I miss bedtime and tantrums. I can’t even sleep in when I’m on the road because my body is now used to waking up at 6 am everyday. How do parents that travel for work do this? How did I used to do this? There’s a man on Bravo (not nice) who has yet to meet his newborn because he’s deployed in Eastern Europe. WTF!? Him and I, two heroes.
I really don’t know. It’s hard and I wish I had A TON of money so I could bring my sweetie and extra childcare with me wherever I go. But that’s not my reality. Or sometimes I think about if I was bad at stand-up I could just quit and be home. And I could do that but that 1) I’m really fun and 2) maybe this is temporary? Maybe my son will hit 11 and be like “please go to Tacoma, you’re driving us all insane!”